He Knows Me Better Than I Know Me

"would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart?" Psalm 44:21

"God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us." Acts 15:8

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

I had to laugh at myself the other day.

We're in the process of looking for a home to live... and this is pretty taxing, but I have to keep reminding myself that God knows exactly where we are going to be, and when the time is right, He will present it to us. In the meantime though, we're looking at houses, driving past houses, and inquiring on yet a few others. The other day though, we thought we found "the one". We found it by accident while driving around- and it was in the country. Anyone who knows me knows of my thoughts and dreams of having a monster garden and raising chickens in the country. So I was sure this house was going to be perfect. The one thing it lacked, was that it didn't get us all that much closer to where we want to be, yet it was a little closer, and we had the whole thing justified before we even looked at it. And then we went and looked at it.

The house itself was nearly perfect, and I could have easily seen us filling the space with no problems, and having the room we're so desperately wanting. Except that everything else about it didn't feel right. Funnily enough, the thing that totally distracted me was a little critter. Well, actually two little critters. We were outside looking at the property this house was on, and we went to look in the covered parking space. It wasn't a garage, but covered parking, and it was quite obvious that a gaggle of pigeons had made it's home there. The thought of being dive-bombed by pigeons going to the car everyday totally grossed me out. And thinking of all the bird poo having to be cleaned off, and I could also tell the birds scared Zander a bit.

And then we looked outside, and wandered over by the sandbox that was there, and the owner mentioned the gopher holes IN the sandbox. I swear, I almost felt woozy, thinking about my kids digging in a sandbox where there were gophers digging. And then, as I'm staring at this sandbox of horror, a ground squirrel zips out across the yard from the house, and I just had this overwhelming sense of not wanting to live there. We drove away feeling disappointed that this house wasn't going to be for us, because the whole family knew it wasn't for us without even saying a word to each other. We weren't even down the road very far when Andy and I both shared that God must have something better for us out there. And then the kids shared their surprising dislikes, so we checked that one off and are moving forward, eager to see what God has in store for us.

But I keep thinking about those critters! I have always thought I wanted to live in the country, so I can have the space to tend the gardens I want to tend and grow an apple tree or two. But you know... I have to say, animals come with the territory, and I don't know that I actually want to live in the country if it means dealing with all those animals! I think it's crazy that after all these years of wanting to live in the country, that maybe I was just fooling myself. Because then as I'm thinking on this surprising revelation about myself, I'm remembering that I've been a city girl. Growing up, when we'd go on vacation, I always wanted to go to a city or a town. Always! And when I think of some of my favorite places in the country to be- Washington DC and Minneapolis...yup, they're both cities. The other day the kids and I were driving around Appleton, looking at different neighborhoods and getting familiar with street names, and we were talking about the benefits of living in a bigger city over the small town, and I'll tell you, I don't know who was getting more excited- the kids or myself?

So the moral of the story here is that maybe I don't really know myself as well as I thought I did. I need to remember that I have a God who loves me and knows me, and He loves and knows my family too. And He will put us exactly where we need to be for a season. I trust Him for that. I am going to trust that He knows us better than we know ourselves, and when the time has come, the perfect home is going to be there. Sure, I would feel better knowing where that is yesterday... but I am going to praise Him just the same, because He will provide for all our needs, and I am going to praise Him and thank Him for all He is about to do for us, because it is going to be wonderful.