"for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Philippians 2:13
"Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!" Psalm 66:20
There's a new song out on the radio these days that at first, I thought was a little strange. And then I actually paid attention to the words. It's called "Two Hands" and it's by Jars Of Clay. Here's a snippet of the lyrics:
"I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high "
The first time I really listened, I got shivers, because it's just so true! How often do we reach out, we say more God, more, but then when more starts happening, we push back. Oh no, God, not that, I didn't mean that, or I don't want that one. Or we'll be lukewarm, I'll do this much God, but don't ask for all of me. But as I listened to this song, an incredible sense of peace came over me when I thought about the concept of lifting up both hands and just saying, okay, whatever God, you're in charge.
I think that's how I've been lately. It's been, okay God, I'll worship you with most of my heart, but I won't jump up and down or dance like a crazy person. It's just not dignified. Or God, I see these people over here rolling on the floor laughing, and that's great, I see that you're doing something special there, but please, don't let that be me. It's just not dignified to be caught up in a fit of laughter for twenty minutes. Please, God, do what you want, but let me stay respectable, let me appear normal.
A few weeks ago I posted about how I was struggling to overcome some fears, and while I've been praying on it, I confess it hasn't been a complete prayer. While I want to overcome the fears, I have been praying with those restrictions. But this past weekend... this past weekend I had the very breakthrough I was praying for, and I certainly didn't expect it. I guess the best I can say is that if you're praying for a breakthrough of some kind, God's going to do whatever it takes to give you that breakthrough. Whether it's filling you with the Spirit to the point where you just need to jump up and down in front of a church filled with people, or whether it's filling you with so much joy that you roll around on the floor for twenty minutes laughing, God's going to do what it takes. In fact, I think I would liken it to breaking a puppy. When you're training a new puppy to hold their bladder until they get outside, you work at it and work at it, and then suddenly, something just clicks with the puppy and they make it outside every single time.
I felt like I was broken- but a good broken. In just a few moments, I went from looking around and thinking about what others were thinking of me, to just praising God and not thinking about everyone else. And then I got really crazy, and I decided I didn't care who was watching me. I didn't care that there were dozens of people watching our service online. Nothing else mattered except worshiping God in whatever way seemed fit at the time. And I have to say, that I've been reflecting on this all week, because I do feel like I'm at a new level in my walk with God, and I would by lying if I said that didn't make me a little nervous. I broke through my fear this past weekend- what's going to be next?
In addition to breaking through the fear, I also came to the very conclusion that no matter what, I'll still praise Him. I will praise with two hands, and whatever He wants to do to me, I'm going to just let Him, because the end results will be so worth it. No more of this, do what you want to do... except that God. Please, not that. No, however He wants to use me will be exactly how I will be used, because God works in me to be used for His purpose, not my purpose.