Being An Example

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children" Titus 2:3,4

You know the first thing I thought of when I read this verse? What is the definition of "older women?" Really, because this whole concept is interesting to me. When I have issues with my husband or my children, who do I ask for advice or share my frustrations with? Usually my friends and acquaintances, someone who had been there either recently, or is going through the same now and can commiserate. That makes me kind of sad, because it seems that somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost the concept of having a mentor- or a woman that I can look up to. Oh, I absolutely have my own mom to talk to, and my mother-in-law as well, but it's really not the same as having that impartial party to talk to, seek advice from, and maybe pray with about a problem.

I heard a sermon a few months ago about the importance of having spiritual fathers and spiritual mothers in our lives, and that really stuck with me. It hid me hard, because it was something I didn't have, and it was something I knew Andy didn't have either. We've been blessed by being close to my parents, so they kind of filled in that role, but what became very clear to us was that we needed these spiritual parents to be a part of our life- we needed them to be at the church we would attend, so that there would be a regular connection, a regular means of accountability. I feel very blessed that God didn't waste any time directing us to the right church, and to the right people. I want to go more into the idea of these spiritual parents, but that's not really the direction I'm headed today- that will be a future post, I think.

The idea that I'm wrapping my head around here is the idea of being instructed- which is what this verse is talking about. I have to tell you, the idea of being a young woman and receiving specific "training" about how to be a good wife or mother would have put me over the edge, it would have made me mad, to be honest. I remember our church doing a church-wide study on parenting shortly after we'd started attending, and I was really upset about the idea- we thought we were doing a fine job as parents, and the last thing we wanted to do was read a book and become confused, or be told things we didn't quite agree with. So we bowed out of that study for our family. And to be completely honest, I still think we're doing a good job, and the thought of getting my parenting skills from books (other than the Bible) still makes me mad.

But you know what I do notice? I don't mind learning by example. When I see someone doing something with their children that I'd never thought of, it makes more of an impression on me than if I'd read a book or been told. We learned not to spank our children by example- not because a book told us to do so. I learned not to yell at my children- by example, not by being told that yelling is harmful to them. I saw someone else approach a naughty child with calm collection and my immediate thought was that I wanted to do that. I wanted to stop yelling so much, and I've been working on it ever since, and I daresay the whole household is much happier when mommy is calm, rational, and doesn't yell.

I've definitely seen this in action too in the opposite direction. I really hate it when I am offered unsolicited advice about my kids, I really do. So it may have taken a while, but I stopped doing the same to other people unless I was asked first. Okay, it maybe took a long while, but when you're telling someone the best way to be a parent, and they turn around and roll their eyes at their spouse, you should take the hint. But what is interesting, is that I stopped offering unwanted advice, and then I started actually being asked. I allowed my actions to do the speaking for me. People notice how happy and delightful my children are- the see how we deal with naughty behavior, and they want to know exactly how we do it. I love it when a child is naughty among company or when we're out somewhere- because my reaction is no different than if we had been at home. We correct the behavior with a few words, not with a spank or anything physical, and people see this, and wonder if it actually works, and then they want to know more. Other people see the way Andy and I discuss issues together, and how we build each other up, and then they want to know how we do that.

So that's what we will continue doing. We will continue to be examples for others, but at the same time, we also have people to be an example to us. I don't want to "train" anyone, and I don't want to be "trained", but I certainly don't mind sharing information that I've gained along the way. I am far from an expert in anything, but I am always willing to talk about something I know a little about.

May I remember that there are always eyes on me. May God show other people what they need to see through my example, and may my example always be pleasing to God.