Love Is...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

I've been writing a lot lately about love. Specifically, I've been writing a lot about God's love, and loving those around us with God's love, and loving ourselves with God's love, and most importantly, loving God in return. What I don't talk about often, or write about often is a different kind of love- the love that a husband and wife share. The love that causes two people to enter into marriage and profess a lifelong commitment to each other. I don't write about this love very often, because I'm certainly no expert at it. I have a wonderful marriage and husband, but that definitely doesn't cause me to be extra knowledgeable or able to address problems.

But I do know this, love is all of the things mentioned in Corinthians 13, and from time to time I think we all need to be reminded of it. We need to be reminded of it, and we need to put it into action because one of the things the devil would love to see is a marriage falling apart. He loves to find that crack in relationships and try to break it open further. He'll put an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend in your mind, and before you know it you're looking up their facebook "just to see how they're doing". And if you don't think the devil won't use that- you're surely mistaken.

There are two things specifically in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 5, that I thought of this morning. The first one is that love is not self-seeking. Wow- how the media and all the "experts" love to contradict this one! How many times do we hear or read or see something that is telling us as women that it's okay to do things for ourselves. That it's perfectly normal to demand that attention on ourselves or to seek that time away for yourself. But right here in the Bible we see that love is not self-seeking! Love, in a committed relationship, means selflessness. Really and truly, it means that you put your relationship and your spouse in front of yourself.

I can't tell you how many times I struggled with this in a really trite way. I used to get really annoyed with Andy when he needed new clothes. I know, I know, that sounds really lame, but there it is. I took pleasure in buying him something nice to wear or a new sweater, but what I'm talking about is those work clothes. Those clothes that he puts on simply to coat them in mud. It would plague me to no end when he would tell me one day that he was down to two pair of pants and needed more. I hated the idea of spending money on something that was just going to be ruined! That's the story with work clothes! Yet at the same time, while I was getting annoyed with him for actually needing something new, I was taking great pleasure in buying myself that new sweater or new skirt. Or buying my kids a new pair of pajamas- all the while claiming that we really didn't have the extra money to spend on three pair of work pants. I was being completely self-seeking. If we had money in the clothing budget, I wanted it to be for nice clothing that helped me or my family look nice.

Then one day I was thinking about this very thing, and I was wandering through the Goodwill aisles looking for inexpensive work pants for Andy when it completely hit me with what I was doing and grumbling about. Andy works for a living to support me and our children. He gives of himself selflessly so that I can stay home and care for our children and our home. Yet I couldn't find thirty bucks to buy him a new pair of Levis? And furthermore, he couldn't very well go to work without clothing. At the time, he was working in the dead of winter, and working in sub-zero temperatures just to put food on the table and care for his family- being miserable all day, no doubt. Yet I didn't want to buy him new pants or a sweatshirt to keep him warm. Oh, God rocked me with that one, don't you doubt it. Right then and there, I swore to God that I would change my mindset. I would be more mindful of how I thought of my husband and his needs. He was being selfless and putting his family first, I would do the same for him. I put the clothes back that were in my cart (which, of course, were for me anyways) and when he came home from work, I took him shopping for the items he needed for work, without complaining or grumbling.

Love is not self-seeking. I cannot put myself first if I am going to be in a successful marriage. This even affects our discussions and our thought lives. I have to admit to you, it used to be that when we would discuss something of importance, I would do my best to try and dominate the conversation. Often times, I just knew that I was right, and I would try to just tune out what Andy was saying, or cut him off to keep from saying the wrong things out loud. So often those conversations weren't really conversations, they were really more like one-sided lectures on my part. Thankfully, I have a persistent husband, because he always tried to squeeze in his ideas and words, and before long, I felt that nudging again. I had been reading about the Proverbs 31 woman, and I just felt such a conviction that I wasn't placing enough faith or trust in my husband or what he had to say. All this time I felt like the superior Christian because I knew more. And I did know more- I probably still do, but that doesn't make what he knows and feels invalid. And God drove that straight home to my core and has been keeping that in my mind ever since. What's funny is that I changed almost immediately, and I started really listening to what Andy was trying to say and once I let him say it, I was often surprised by what he said. God doesn't just speak to the more knowledgeable one in the family. He speaks to all. By being self-seeking, I was keeping the other half of me from voicing his opinion. I am thankful that God intervened and showed me what I was doing. And he's also been showing me that one-sided communication isn't really communication- nor is it healthy for a relationship. Two people mean two sets of ideas and they are both valid, and in a truly non self-seeking relationship, you will really want to hear those other ideas before your own. Who knows, your ideas may change because of what your "better half" has to say.

The second thing that I wanted to point out today was the last part of verse five, love keeps no record of wrongs. That is so important for keeping a marriage healthy! If Andy says or does something that really hurts me or makes me mad, it's so important that we discuss it, work it out and then I have to completely let it go. Imagine what would happen if I just harbored those hurt feelings. Many a marriage has been lost to unresolved issues. If I keep that in, if I hold in something that Andy has done and keep it in the back of my mind, I can guarantee you that the devil sees and knows that and will bring it out when it best serves his purpose. I truly need to forgive and forget and move on, not hiding away those feelings. Things need to be dealt with. So far in our marriage, any problems that have come up have been dealt with between us, but you can bet that should we sense the need, we would involve our pastor or other elder in Christ to help us to resolve our issues. That's one of the reasons God puts those people in our lives, is to help us through those troubled times.

Of course, having said all this today, putting these issues in the context of marriage, I also have to say that the same can be said for our other relationships in life. God's love is not self-seeking, nor does it keep a record of our wrongs. When we do wrong, and confess our wrong to God and ask his forgiveness, he does just that. He forgives us and then completely forgets that we ever did wrong in the first place. Lessons from marriage can be used in any relationship, and vice versa. Often times in the relationships of life we learn something that can only be used to strengthen our marriages. No doubt, that's exactly what God wants for us. He wants our marriages and relationships to be strong, and he will give us the tools to help do just that. A good start is 1 Corinthians 13. Usually that chapter in the Bible is reserved for wedding ceremonies and Valentines Day, but it can be used every day. Try reading it today with new eyes, maybe in a translation you've never read it in before, and ask God to show you what you can work on today with your spouse. It will change your marriage for the better, and God wants that more than anything.