Listening To Advice

"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:20-21

I used to never listen to advice from other people. I admit that I spent a lot of time being my own person, determining my own best choices at all times. I would let people politely tell me their advice, but as soon as I was not around them I completely forgot what they said. I was just so determined to just be me and not let other people influence me and my choices. And then I became a mom. And the advice just wouldn't stop! Complete strangers saw fit to share any tidbit they had about babies and child-rearing. Family and friends and online acquaintances were just fountains of this and that and the other thing. It's unbelievable how much advice the world has to give to a new mom! I quickly took the stance of being polite to every one's advice, but pretty much ignoring it later on. Until one specific moment in time, and it was advice about discipline.

When Abigail was around one years old, we started having to deal with discipline of some form. Andy and I both grew up in homes where things like spanking was normal, and even though so much of the world around us declared that form of punishment abuse, we were determined to raise our child in the manner in which we saw fit. We were, after all, this child's parents, it was up to us to set the bar and see that line adhered to. So when she started being naughty, we started the long road of doling out punishment with slaps. We would slap her hands if she was doing something she shouldn't- like pulling all the photos out of a box or ripping a book to shreds. As she grew, from time to time she would get a swat on the backside, but nothing extreme. We had friends at the time who were very anti-physical punishment, and every time we got together, they would suggest trying alternatives. I was so not going to listen to them. What kind of a punishment was a time-out anyway?

But you know how God places people in your life at just the right time with just the right advice? This was that time, but I simply refused to listen.

Then we had Zander. And like Abigail, we started with hand slaps and such only... they didn't have the desired effect. Instead, Zander would try striking back. Or he would become mad or frustrated and reach out and hit whoever was closest. It really bothered me that my sweet little boy would act out in such a manner. One time I clearly remember reaching out and slapping his little hand for trying to grab a knife when I clearly heard my friend's voice in my head, suggesting that slapping was not the answer. It was odd. I was clinging to a verse in Proverbs that I was doing the right thing.

"He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." Proverbs 13:24

But God showed me something about this verse. Do you see anywhere where the discipline is defined here? Look at it in the King James Version:

"He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

The use of chasten struck a chord with me, because when I think of chastening someone, I think of correcting their behavior through the use of words. That's what discipline is- it's behavior correction. Even the dictionary does not define discipline as a physical activity. My eyes were opened as I looked at different versions of this verse. I did not need to cling to that physical discipline as the correct form. At that moment in time we ceased to become "spanking parents" and have not physically struck our children since. (Well, I slapped Abigail once across the mouth for something very sassy and unbecoming coming out of her mouth- she won't do it again.)

Something changed both in us and our children when we did that. Our children started behaving better because they wanted to- not because they were afraid. Think about that for a second, and that is my big revelation and why I am so glad for listening to advice. My daughter would follow the rules because she was afraid Mommy or Daddy would hurt her. Just thinking about that makes me wish we'd have started following that advice much sooner. She was afraid we would hurt her if she was naughty. Zander would not be curious (as a baby is known to be) because he was afraid of being struck by those who loved him most for simply reaching for the wrong thing. But discarding the physical discipline changed our household completely for the better, and I know that God knew that would happen, and that's one of the reasons why he placed those people in our lives for a time.

Changing the way we discipline has made a world of difference for our family. Our children behave because they want to. They behave because they want Mommy and Daddy to be proud of them. Most times, we don't even have to punish them, because they know when they've disappointed us, and it bothers them. Zander stopped trying to hit a long time ago, and we all are a much happier household without the threat of physical discipline hanging over out heads. We've also learned that there are things worth getting punished for, and things to relax more about. Children are always going to be curious, and we need to be careful about squelching that curiosity with over-parenting.

I still discard a lot of advice. :-) But I do listen to it first and analyze it to see if it has merit. And sometimes, that advice will come back. I'll hear a word of advice, initially dismiss it, but then down the road it comes back to the forefront of my mind. I listen carefully to advice and instruction. Does it make me wise? I hardly think so, but I am always learning something new. God created people in such a fantastic way that we can learn from each other, and learn from each other's mistakes. We have life, which we live from day to day, and is never the same twice. We can learn from each other, and become wiser because of it.