"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. " Joshua 1:9
About a month ago, I had a day where I truly felt terrified for a time. I was sitting at the table, teaching Zander his math, and absentmindedly rubbing the back of my leg. I have large and ugly varicose veins on the back of my leg, and sometimes they itch a bit. Well, this particular day they were itching, but as I rubbed, I noticed they were sore that day as well. No big deal, and normal- I would just try to take it a little easy that day. And then I found the bump.
About the size of a marble- and hard like a marble, right above where my knee bends. It hurt when I pushed on it, and I set Zander to work some problems while I headed to the bathroom to check it out. And sure enough, where one of the many big blue puffy veins were, there was a lump right in the middle- and the lump was a kind of bruised purple color.
My heart instantly started beating fast, and literally, my life was flashing before my eyes. Something akin to terror took over in my mind and all I could think about was how blood clots kill. They break off wherever they are in veins and travel to the brain or heart- causing death almost immediately. I set the kids to some projects and went to dial the doctors office.
I was on hold for a full hour. No lie! The whole time my leg is throbbing, and I don't know if it is better for me to sit and not move- or to keep moving. As I'm on hold longer and longer, I head to the computer to look this thing up and see what is to be said about it. And as I'm typing in the words varicose veins and blood clots, I was shaking pretty good (and of course, thinking unkind thoughts about the doctors office that had me on hold so long) when it felt like something hit me on the side of my head.
I knew right at that moment that God was watching out for me, and that all these thoughts of death and disaster and leaving my children motherless were from the devil. The fears I was experiencing were unfounded- God had plans for me and my family- and those plans included me. The internet confirmed exactly what God gave me. I was experiencing a blood clot- but it was superficial- since it was in a vein that already wasn't working, there was no danger of it breaking loose and causing problems. I would just be uncomfortable for a few weeks most likely.
It was THEN that I remembered that I'd already had one of these before- I had one when I was pregnant with Zander in a different part of my leg. It went away on it's own- and the doctor was so wonderful then in assuring me that it was going to be okay.
So I stopped waiting on the phone. I hung up, and I almost felt silly about the last hour, because I knew that God was with me, and I prayed for a few minutes. I assured the devil that he was not going to win this one- that I was not going to curl up into a ball and wither away. As I prayed, I recognized fully that this was an attack on me and my faith- and this verse above instantly sprang into my mind. Even if it were a blood clot that could cause problems- with God I had no worries. He would be with me and see me through.
I did eventually call the doctor again. I spoke with a nurse who really reassured me that I would be okay- she gave me some direction for taking care of my leg, and told me to call again on Monday if it hadn't improved. Of course I felt much better after that- but my mind still wandered a bit all that day. Then do you know what God did to reassure me? He had the nurse call back- she had spoken with the doctor and just wanted to let me know that he agreed with what it was and to feel free to call at any time over the weekend if I felt there was something urgently wrong.
I'll tell you, my faith really collided with my fears that day. And really, the days to follow. We had a busy couple of weeks ahead of us, and the last thing I needed was to have to take time to rest. But I think maybe God knew what He was doing, and I did need my rest. Every evening after the kids were in bed, I would just stop what I was doing, relax, put my leg up with some wonderful heat on it, and I could just enjoy my time with Andy- and when the Olympics were on, I watched a whole lot of that first week, because I was trying to rest and stay off my legs as much as possible. I really enjoyed my time resting!
And yet, I look back at those first few hours that Friday- when I found the clot, and I feel like I could have done better. My first thought was not as it should have been. My first thought should have been to proclaim myself healed and to banish whatever forces of darkness were trying to attack. But it wasn't. While I wouldn't say that I failed a test at all- I would say that I could have done better. That feeling like I got whacked on the head? Was probably my angel telling me to knock it off and know better. Teamwork- gotta love that.
The thing is, if you see a tornado coming at your house- what do you do first? You seek shelter. You run and hide, you gather your family and you say a quick prayer that you will survive and stay safe. But it seems to me that if I'm really going to be that supernatural housewife, my first thought should not be to seek shelter- it should be to rebuke that tornado. My faith should spring up and overcome what I see in the natural and take care of what is happening with the supernatural.
I clearly have some work to do on my faith- but right now, I feel like I've lived and learned a very powerful lesson- and I also have learned that it's okay for me to trust in God to heal me in His perfect timing of these veins in my legs. I've always thought that it was vanity that drove me to want to be rid of these things- but I think my health and peace of mind are also worthy of thought. Someday God will take care of them- and my legs will be free of defection, because after all, there are no gross and ugly veins in heaven.
"your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven. " Matthew 6:10
On earth as it is in heaven. We are victorious every single time. Fear has no place in my heart because there is faith there. There will be no more fear- and I will rest in the promises of God.